the oldest joke in the world still works
The setup takes four seconds. Lift the couch cushion, lay it flat underneath, put the cushion back, sit somewhere else and wait. That is the entire operation. There is no app, no timer, no batteries â just a piece of rubber and a bit of patience.
She sits down. It goes off. And this is where a lesser man would laugh and own up. He does not. He turns slowly, pinches his nose, fans the air in front of his face and edges away down the sofa like she has done something unforgivable.
the turn
She is protesting. Genuinely mortified, hand on her chest, saying it was not her, it was the sofa, it was the cushion, it was anything â while he keeps fanning and shaking his head sadly like a man deeply disappointed in someone he loves.
Then her hand goes under the cushion. You can watch it happen on her face in real time: confusion, then contact, then the slow pull of a flat rubber disc out into the open. She looks at it. She looks at him. He is caught, and he knows it, and the fanning stops immediately.
That is the whole product. The fake outrage, then the turn. One perfect use, and then he never gets to run it again.
what you are actually buying
It is the proper classic â a flat round rubber bladder with a narrow neck at one side, printed on top the way they always have been. You squash the air out, slide it flat under a cushion and it quietly draws its own air back in. When weight lands on it, the air has one way out through that narrow neck, and that is the noise. No batteries, no electronics, nothing to charge or replace.
Three sizes, and the size genuinely is the volume. The 9cm is pocket-sized and gives a short cheeky little parp â good for a bag or a stocking. The 16cm is the couch cushion classic and the one most people want. The 20cm is the loudest thing we sell and is frankly a bit much, which is the entire reason people buy it. Colour is random â red, blue, yellow or green â so you get whichever comes off the pile.
the honest bit
This is made of natural rubber latex. If whoever you are pranking has a latex allergy or sensitivity, this is not the one for them â please check first. A brand new one also has a rubbery smell for the first day; leave it out of the packet for a few hours and it settles down. You may need to re-inflate it by hand between goes, especially the smaller size, and it is worth knowing the 9cm is noticeably quieter than the other two.
It is loud. That is the point, but it means it is not a great idea near anyone who startles badly, near a sleeping baby, or in a quiet office where someone is on a call. And it is a novelty gag, not a toy for under-3s â the small size in particular is a choking hazard, so keep it away from little ones and put it somewhere sensible when you are done. Silly is the whole idea. A trip to A&E is not.
Got the 16cm and put it under my boyfriend's side of the sofa before he sat down to watch the football. He shot straight up off it and blamed the dog, who was asleep in the other room. I let him blame the dog for about a minute before I told him.
My genuine concern was that it would be visible under the cushion. The 16cm sits completely flat once you press the air out, and our sofa cushions are not especially thick. My girlfriend sat down on it with absolutely no idea. Then she found it about ninety seconds later and I have not been allowed to touch the sofa since.
Honest warning: the 9cm is quiet. I bought the small one thinking it would be easier to hide and it makes more of a squeak than a proper noise. It got a laugh but it did not get the reaction I wanted. Wish I had just bought the 20cm. Half a star off for that, my own fault really.
The 20cm is genuinely too loud and that is a compliment. Put it on my brother's desk chair and my mum heard it from the kitchen with the extractor fan on. He nearly went through the ceiling. Absolutely no regrets going for the biggest one.
Worth knowing it does not always refill itself fully between goes. After the first three or four uses I had to blow it back up by mouth to get the proper volume again, which takes about two seconds. Not a complaint, just the thing nobody tells you before you buy one.
Did the whole routine on my wife â the noise went off, I pinched my nose and shuffled to the far end of the sofa doing the disappointed head shake. She was genuinely arguing her innocence for a solid minute. The face she made when she pulled the rubber thing out from under the cushion was worth every penny.
Arrived smelling strongly of rubber, properly strong out of the packet. Left it on the windowsill for a day and it was completely fine. Colour is random and I got a yellow one when I was quietly hoping for the red. Docking half a star for the smell on arrival, the thing itself works perfectly.
Bought the 16cm for my dad's sixtieth as a joke gift and it ended up being the thing everyone remembered. It went under four different chairs over the course of the afternoon. My aunt got it twice because she did not learn the first time.
I have owned about four of these over the years and the rubber on this one is noticeably thicker than the cheap ones that split after a week. Mine has had heavy use from two children for three weeks now and there is no sign of a leak anywhere near the neck.
Tried it on my girlfriend and got caught almost instantly because I could not keep a straight face doing the fanning bit. You get one attempt at this, so practise looking disgusted in a mirror first. She has since hidden it under my chair, so it is still earning its keep.
